You know that voice in your head that tells you you’re not good enough? The one that shows up right when you’re about to take a risk or try something new? That relentless internal narrator has been with you for years, maybe even decades. It knows exactly which buttons to push and when to strike hardest.
Here’s the thing though. That voice isn’t telling you the truth. It’s been shaped by past experiences, old wounds, and outdated beliefs about who you are. The good news is that you can learn to quiet it down and even transform it into something more supportive. These psychological strategies aren’t about denying reality or pretending everything’s perfect. They’re about changing the way you relate to yourself when things get tough.
Name Like It’s a Separate Person
Giving a name can be surprisingly powerful. When you personify that negative voice, you create psychological distance between yourself and those harsh thoughts. Think of it like this: instead of saying “I’m a failure,” you’re recognizing “Oh, there’s Gerald again, telling me I’m not good enough.”
You can imagine as a cartoon or fictional character from a movie or TV show, choosing a character whose voice you think is silly and who acts incompetently, which makes dismissing much easier. Maybe it’s a grumpy cartoon villain or that annoying character from a sitcom you never liked. The sillier, the better. When your critic pipes up, you’ll recognize it for what it is: just noise, not truth.
Write Down Your Negative Thoughts in Second Person
You should identify the negative thoughts and beliefs you experience, then try writing these thoughts down in the second person as if someone else is talking to you. This simple shift in perspective can be revelating. Instead of thinking “I’m such an idiot,” write “You’re such an idiot.”
Suddenly, you’ll notice how harsh and unfair those words sound. As this happens, especially when you switch these thoughts to the second person, these voices can start to sound familiar, like they actually come from someone else, and almost every person who has worked with this technique has made a connection between their voices and someone from their past. You might realize you’re channeling a critical parent, a harsh teacher, or a bully from school. Once you see the origin, it becomes easier to separate those old messages from your current reality.
Challenge the Evidence Like You’re a Detective
You can be an advocate for yourself by putting the critic on the stand, using what Cognitive Behavioral Therapists call cognitive restructuring to consider whether you have any evidence supporting these self-critical thoughts. Treat your negative thoughts like they’re suspects in an investigation. What’s the actual proof that you’re incompetent or unworthy?
Most of the time, you’ll find the evidence is pretty flimsy. One strategy is to realize that self-critical thoughts are just beliefs, not facts, and thus can be argued with and contradicted. Ask yourself: Would this hold up in court? Is there another interpretation that’s more accurate? Often, you’ll discover that is working with outdated information or making wild assumptions based on one or two incidents.
Practice the Self Compassion Break When Things Get Hard
When you’re in the middle of a difficult moment, the first step for practicing self-compassion is to simply ground into the present moment to set the stage for mindful awareness of your challenges, then recognize the fact that you are suffering and note the difficulty of this experience. You don’t need to fix everything right away or pretend it doesn’t hurt.
You might say, “May I give myself the compassion that I need,” or “May I learn to accept myself as I am,” or ask yourself, “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself?” Sometimes you just need to acknowledge that this moment is painful and that’s okay. Suffering is part of being human. The key is not to add extra layers of self-judgment on top of the pain you’re already experiencing.
Reframe Your Thoughts with “Yes, But” Statements
Your self-critic loves to speak in absolutes, but when you notice a critical thought, pause and add a gentle “but” followed by evidence of your strength, such as “I feel unprepared for this meeting BUT I’ve handled tough situations before,” which interrupts the critic’s all-or-nothing thinking and reminds you of the full picture. This isn’t about denying reality or being falsely positive.
It’s about balance. Sure, you made a mistake at work, but you’ve also successfully completed dozens of projects. You might feel anxious about that presentation, but you’ve given presentations before and survived. The “but” creates space for a more complete, truthful narrative about who you are and what you’re capable of.
Use Physical Touch to Activate Your Calming System
Starting by putting your hand on your heart has been found to release oxytocin, which is a very calming hormone. Your body and mind are deeply connected, and sometimes the fastest way to quiet is through physical self-soothing. Try placing a hand over your heart or gently holding your own face.
While engaging in this supportive self-talk, you might want to try gently stroking your arm, or holding your face tenderly in your hands, as physical gestures of warmth can tap into the caregiving system even if you’re having trouble calling up emotions of kindness at first, releasing oxytocin that will help change your bio-chemistry. It might feel awkward at first, I’ll be honest. Yet this simple act can signal to your nervous system that you’re safe and cared for.
Write a Letter to Yourself from a Compassionate Friend
Writing a letter to yourself from the perspective of your closest friend and what you imagine they’d say to you helps you practice compassionate dialogue. Imagine someone who loves you unconditionally is writing you a note about whatever you’re struggling with right now. What would they say?
You can reframe the observations made by in a friendly, constructive way, and if you’re having trouble thinking of what words to use, you might want to imagine what a very compassionate friend would say to you in this situation. They probably wouldn’t call you names or tell you you’re worthless. They’d acknowledge your pain, remind you of your strengths, and offer encouragement. Try to channel that same energy toward yourself.
Acknowledge Your Small Wins and Progress
If we’re beating ourselves up, it’s likely that we aren’t recognizing our strengths or taking note of our small accomplishments, and it’s important to acknowledge our achievements no matter how small, since a sense of achievement is often connected to self-esteem. loves to fixate on what went wrong while completely ignoring what went right.
There’s nothing too small that we can’t acknowledge, such as smiling back at someone in the check out line, or if you set a goal to work out five days per week but only went one, you can acknowledge that the goal was attempted and that you’re working toward consistency. Progress isn’t always linear. Sometimes just showing up is worth celebrating. Keep a list of your daily accomplishments, even the tiny ones. Over time, you’ll train your brain to notice possibilities instead of just problems.
Observe Your Thoughts Without Getting Swept Away
You can observe these critical thoughts with curiosity and not try to challenge or control them, placing each self-critical thought in a box on a conveyor belt and watching the boxes pass by, or placing each thought on a leaf going down a stream or on a cloud passing by in the sky. This mindfulness technique is about creating space between you and your thoughts.
When that critical voice pipes up with “You’re not good enough” or “You’ll never succeed,” pause and simply name it: “Ah, there’s my inner critic again,” as this tiny but powerful act creates space between you and the thought, weakening its grip. You don’t have to fight every negative thought or prove it wrong. Sometimes you can just watch it float by and choose not to engage. Thoughts are just mental events, not facts about reality.
Trace Your Critic Back to Its Origins
Try tracking down where these negative thoughts originated to gain powerful insights by asking who they remind you of and whether there are any underlying triggers or past events preceding these negative thoughts and self-talk. Understanding where came from can help you realize it’s not really about you at all.
People with self-critical personality styles have often experienced shaming, expectations of high performance and excessive criticism from others in childhood, as experiences of one’s parents being critical, uncaring, controlling or maltreating are robustly associated with high levels of self-criticism in adulthood. Maybe you internalized a parent’s harsh standards or absorbed messages from a culture that demanded perfection. Once you see these patterns clearly, you can start to separate who you actually are from those old, borrowed beliefs.
Conclusion: Doesn’t Have to Run the Show
Let’s be real: probably isn’t going away completely. It’s been with you for too long to just vanish overnight. The goal isn’t to silence it forever but to change your relationship with it so it doesn’t control your life anymore.
These psychological tricks work because they help you create distance, challenge distortions, and cultivate the self-compassion you’ve probably been denying yourself for years. You’ll still have bad days. You’ll still mess up. The difference is that you won’t let that harsh internal voice convince you that one mistake means you’re fundamentally broken.
Start with just one or two of these techniques and practice them consistently. Notice what shifts when you treat yourself with even a fraction of the kindness you’d offer a friend. What changes might you notice in your daily life if you stopped believing everything tells you?
