Have you ever felt that rush when someone compliments you? Maybe you posted something on social media and found yourself checking for likes more times than you’d care to admit. That need for recognition, that desire to be seen and appreciated by others, is something most of us experience daily. Yet few of us stop to consider why we crave this approval so deeply, or what it reveals about our psychology.
The drive to isn’t just a modern phenomenon born from social media culture. It’s actually hardwired into our biology, shaped by millions of years of evolution and reinforced by our earliest childhood experiences. Understanding this behavior can help you recognize when it becomes excessive and potentially harmful to your mental health and authentic self-expression.
Our Evolutionary Need for Social Acceptance
Picture yourself in ancient times when our ancestors roamed the Earth. In those days, being accepted and valued by the group wasn’t just a matter of emotional well-being; it was crucial for sheer survival. Individuals who were integrated into their social groups had access to resources, protection, and the opportunity to pass on their genes to future generations. This deep-rooted drive to seek validation from our social groups is embedded in your psyche, a survival instinct that has shaped human behavior throughout history.
The need for social approval and validation is deeply ingrained in human psychology. From an evolutionary perspective, social acceptance and belongingness were crucial for survival in early human communities. Let’s be real, our ancestors who were rejected or ostracized from their tribes faced near-certain death. It makes sense, then, that we developed this powerful internal alarm system that alerts us when we’re at risk of social exclusion.
The Brain Chemistry of Validation
This rush is the result of a surge of dopamine in your brain, creating a pleasurable sensation. Over time, this neurological reward system reinforces your behavior, making you yearn for more validation and engagement on your social platforms. It’s a cycle that’s challenging to break because your brain has learned to associate online validation with pleasure. Think of it like your brain’s own reward program, except instead of collecting points for free coffee, you’re collecting compliments and likes for that feel-good chemical hit.
Effectively when someone validates our actions, thoughts or feelings the brain releases dopamine transmitters which attract us to that feeling. Dopamine is also responsible for that feel good factor when you smell you favourite meal, or kiss the person that you love. Our brains release dopamine when we make human connections, which incentivizes us to do it again. Social connection has become druggified by social-media apps, making us vulnerable to compulsive overconsumption. These apps can cause the release of large amounts of dopamine into our brains’ reward pathway all at once. Honestly, it’s fascinating and a little scary how similar the brain’s response to validation is compared to addictive substances.
Childhood Experiences Shape Our Validation Needs
Some children may face challenging experiences that may result in low self-esteem or insecurity. As adults, they might find it hard to validate themselves. Because of this, they might persistently seek approval and turn to people-pleasing behaviors. Bullying, and any abuse in childhood, can lead to approval-seeking behaviors in adults. Growing up with a dismissive parent or experiencing emotional neglect may also lead someone to need approval from others. Here’s the thing: if you didn’t receive consistent validation as a child, your brain might still be searching for what it missed.
You might seek too much validation as an adult if you received too little or too much external validation in childhood. A 2016 study suggests that emotional validation from mothers, especially in childhood, builds emotional awareness. When a child grows up not feeling valued or receiving praise or encouragement, they may have trouble regulating their emotions. It’s like developing emotional hunger that never quite gets satisfied, no matter how much external approval you receive later in life.
Social Media Amplifies Validation-Seeking Behavior
A significant aspect of the need for validation from others has evolved out of social media and the way people frame themselves and their identity based on how others respond to their posts. Social media fulfills the desire to be part of a group and to avoid feeling isolated and potentially vulnerable. Social media intensifies validation-seeking behaviour, providing a platform for constant comparison and instant feedback. The pursuit of likes, comments, and followers can drive individuals to prioritise external validation, impacting self-esteem. I know it sounds dramatic, but your phone has essentially become a portable validation-dispensing machine.
You may be disappointed to find less responses than you expected, only to receive them in a larger bunch later on. Your dopamine centers have been primed by those initial negative outcomes to respond robustly to the sudden influx of social appraisal. This use of a variable reward schedule takes advantage of our dopamine-driven desire for social validation. The platforms are literally designed to keep you hooked, using the same psychological principles that make slot machines so addictive.
When Validation Seeking Becomes Problematic
Studies published by the American Psychological Association have linked chronic validation seeking with increased levels of stress and poorer overall mental health outcomes. Excessive validation seeking is more than a superficial behavior; it often reflects deep-seated emotional challenges and underlying mental health conditions. There’s a difference between occasionally wanting approval and structuring your entire life around what others think.
When our self-worth hinges on external approval, it becomes fragile and vulnerable to criticism or rejection. We may constantly try to please others, even at our own expense, to avoid disapproval. We may shy away from taking risks or expressing ourselves authentically for fear of not being accepted. The constant pressure to seek approval can be a significant source of anxiety and stress. You end up living someone else’s version of your life instead of your own, which is exhausting and ultimately unfulfilling.
The Fear of Rejection Drives the Need for Approval
On the other side of the coin, there’s the fear of rejection – a powerful force that drives your quest for validation. Just think about the emotional pain, both real and perceived, that comes with rejection. It can be a heavy burden to bear. To shield yourself from this anguish, you often go to great lengths to seek approval, validation, and acceptance from others. Rejection doesn’t just feel bad; for many people, it triggers a primal fear response.
Humans are social creatures, and belonging to a group is essential to our psychological well-being. Seeking approval can be a strategy to avoid rejection, as it feels safer to conform to the expectations of others than to risk exclusion. The fear of being alone or abandoned can lead individuals to prioritize others’ opinions over their own needs. It’s hard to say for sure, but I think this fear often operates below our conscious awareness, quietly influencing decisions we make every day.
Building Internal Validation and Self-Worth
Addressing excessive validation seeking begins with developing a healthier sense of self and learning to rely on internal sources of affirmation. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy has proven particularly effective in this regard, as it helps individuals identify and challenge negative thought patterns while gradually building self-reliance. Through CBT, you can learn to recognize that your worth is not dependent on the opinions of others. Learning to validate yourself isn’t selfish or arrogant; it’s actually essential for mental health.
Try replacing your excessive validation-seeking behaviors and thoughts with self-soothing methods that work for you, such as mindfulness meditation and yoga. A 2011 study found that 8 weeks of mindfulness meditation could physically change the brain, increasing gray matter in areas of the brain related to decision-making, empathy, and emotional regulation. Practicing meditation may help improve your self-control when setting boundaries and making decisions that align with what you authentically desire. The goal isn’t to completely stop caring what others think, but to balance external input with a strong internal sense of your own worth.
Finding Balance Between External and Internal Validation
It is reasonable for anyone to want their ideas, choices, achievements, or opinions validated by those around them. Validation is part of being interdependent and relying on the feedback and encouragement of others around us. Even very independent people still need validation in some aspects of their life; however, they are also able to accept their own self-validation if they do not get it from someone else. The key word here is balance.
Keep in mind that validation is not a bad thing in your life; it is affirming and positive. It only becomes problematic when it becomes the focus of all you do. While external validation can provide temporary feelings of acceptance and worthiness, it’s essential to cultivate a strong internal sense of self-worth. Developing self-acceptance and self-validation skills can foster resilience and improve mental health. After all, one’s value should not be solely based on external affirmation but also on personal values, capabilities, and self-perception. You deserve to feel confident in who you are, regardless of whether anyone else notices or approves.
Conclusion
The psychology behind seeking validation from others reveals a complex interplay of evolutionary biology, brain chemistry, childhood experiences, and modern social dynamics. While the desire for approval is natural and sometimes even beneficial, understanding its roots helps you recognize when it crosses the line into unhealthy territory. Your worth isn’t determined by likes, comments, or the opinions of others – though your brain might sometimes try to convince you otherwise.
Moving forward, the challenge isn’t to eliminate your need for social connection and approval entirely. That would be impossible and probably undesirable anyway. Instead, it’s about building a foundation of internal validation strong enough to withstand the inevitable moments when external approval doesn’t come. It’s about learning to be your own biggest supporter while still remaining open to meaningful feedback from people who genuinely care about you. What do you think – are you ready to start trusting your own judgment a little more and relying on others’ opinions a little less?
